In 2016 I launched my podcast, Optimistic Productiveness, now The Work Smarter, Not Tougher Podcast with Kim Sutton. In my first spherical of visitor interviews, I spoke with somebody who practiced meditation and mindfulness each day.
I didn’t get it.
Silence, whether or not in my dwelling or in my mind was a mystical phenomenon and I couldn’t comprehend how anyone may truly expertise it. Navigating silence, to me, should have been reserved for individuals who had a pondering on/off change hidden behind their ear, and I didn’t obtain that improve in the course of the creation course of.
In 2008, I informed someone that my mind felt just like the New York Metropolis Subway System with trains of thought operating in a gazillion instructions and no method to make the trains cease. I later came upon that particular person believed I ought to in all probability go to a psychologist and psychiatrist to ensure I wasn’t loopy. That felt superior…
Anyway… On the advice of my podcast visitor, I attempted meditation.
To be blunt, my first makes an attempt at meditation pissed me off. I sat at my desk with my arms in my lap and my ft on the ground precisely as the trainer informed me to place myself. As I breathed out and in, my ideas took over. I later discovered I used to be meditating from my head slightly than my coronary heart.
“Kim!” My head shouted. “Take note of me! Don’t you’ve got 10,001+ duties you ought to be engaged on? You’re a rattling idiot to take time to do this nonsense. Get again to work and cease being ridiculous.”
Okay, it could not have been precisely these phrases, however the sentiment was related. I didn’t have any reservations about shaming myself on my quest of navigating silence.
4 months in the past I requested a buddy if they’d any sources for coping with nervousness. Though my divorce was last and I had moved on, occasions had transpired which led me right into a pit of shitty pondering. Whereas my physician had prescribed me an anti-anxiety treatment, I discovered it made me extra anxious as a result of it made me extraordinarily drained and practically unimaginable to work. It’s ironic, isn’t it, that the treatment which was purported to help my journey navigating silence made it even tougher to take action?
My buddy advisable mindfulness and books by Thich Nhat Hanh. Within the months which have handed, I’ve labored my method by way of a couple of of Hanh’s books, in addition to others specializing in the subjects of overthinking, mindfulness and Taoism. Whereas Hanh’s Silence and Benjamin Hoff’sThe Tao of Pooh and The Te of Piglet have been immensely useful, navigating silence continues to be a cumbersome journey.
NOTE: I’m not changing from Christianity, nevertheless I’m in a non secular battle in addition to in a interval of discovering myself as I’ve by no means earlier than, and I search… No, I NEED… To search out peace.
As I work to heal from trauma from my previous, I notice I need to discover a method to suppose protected ideas primarily based on the current second slightly than be bombarded by ideas biased by hurts of the previous. On the similar time, I discover myself struggling to benefit from the current second whereas teetering on a beam of cautiousness.
I’ve discovered that exhaustion, each emotional and bodily, amplifies my fears, insecurities and loneliness. Silence is, at instances, unimaginable to search out late within the day. And, sure, I admit it… Even with 5 children in the home I get lonely.
For 44 years my happiness was primarily based on validation from exterior sources. Now, in working to search out happiness inside and concentrate on the right here and now, I’m challenged. Whereas perilously navigating silence, I’m challenged to NOT choose up my telephone to message others at any time when I believe one thing, an act which I notice seeks to replenish my provide of dopamine (compliments and a focus) and oxytocin (intimacy and bonding). I’ve found that I’ve turn out to be, with none doubt, codependent.
I must think about that my introduction at a gathering of Codependents Nameless would go one thing like this… “Hey, my identify is Kim. I’m 521 days sober however battle to free myself from an habit to dopamine and oxytocin. I search to launch myself from my private want and want for exterior validation.”
I discover myself gamifying silence for and with myself in addition to the place others are involved, however, in full honesty, the gamification of navigating silence typically seems like self-imposed torture.
Once I consider someone or have an concept for them, I’ve the quick urge to achieve out and allow them to know. I really feel as if NOT letting them know is dishonoring my nature as a carer and nurturer, and can also be a disservice to my want to serve and help. On the similar, nevertheless, I’ve come to acknowledge the harm I really feel after I attain out and obtain no response or one which signifies the particular person is simply too busy to speak to me. Sadly, this harm infiltrates my ideas with messages like, “Why ship that? They don’t wish to hear from you. In the event that they did, they’d contact you. You’re pitiful. However, ship your silly message. Seem determined. Maintain chasing. That’s the one method you’re going to get consideration anyway.”
So, I don’t ship the message as a result of I don’t wish to be harm by no response.
Or, I ship the message and pray my ideas can be incorrect.
However…
I wish to really feel snug sending a message whereas releasing the end result.
I wish to not care whether or not or not I obtain a response as a result of I’ll know I honored myself within the course of.
I’m not there but, although, so I discover non permanent reduction within the library of messages I’ve created by not sending them. Sure, it’s a factor. Quite than ship the message, I minimize it from messages and paste it into Notes. Navigating silence, for me, apparently entails tricking my head into pondering I ship messages. Sigh. I don’t suppose real silence is meant to contain trickery.
I’ll proceed engaged on myself till I discover my method to a peaceable silence, one which is assured in being right here, now, and one which by no means, ever, doubts whether or not I’m worthy or sufficient.
I’ll maintain respiration, out and in, permitting the recent air I inhale to launch the toxicity of stinking pondering.
I’ll discover actions, ideally NOT work, to maintain my thoughts occupied.
And I’ll proceed to fill journal pages with my ideas in effort to launch them.
Within the meantime, I’ve an excruciating worry of being…
These fears aren’t restricted to romantic pursuits however sadly develop to EVERYBODY in my life. I don’t want multiple finger to rely how many individuals I really feel completely protected with, and until you’re her, I worry being harm by everybody else. Sure, EVERYONE.
I cry as I write this, however to my family and friends, thanks in your continued help. My latest journey has been something however straightforward, and even with all I’ve shared, I proceed to take care of trauma from particulars not shared. Navigating silence means I additionally want to determine what to open up about, with whom, and when.
I pray that my elevated silence doesn’t imply that I don’t look after or about you, and that you simply perceive I can’t proceed to hunt validation from you. I need to discover validation inside ME.
And I need to discover a method to relate with you in a method by which I don’t always worry being harm.
This worry of being harm is what prevents my silence, and I stay up for the day when that worry is gone. However till then, I need to proceed my seek for silence in addition to my therapeutic journey in order that I by no means hit all-time low once more.
To wrap this up, I wish to share an excerpt of an interview I used to be listening to between Matthew Hussey and Justin Baldoni. Once I heard it, I instantly resonated. I’m very conscious that a lot of my battle for silence comes from my deep, intense worry, of getting my coronary heart performed with once more.
WATCH A BIT OF THE INTERVIEW, BUT READ THE PART I RESONATED WITH BELOW (IT’S NOT IN VIDEO)
I didn’t get it.
Silence, whether or not in my dwelling or in my mind was a mystical phenomenon and I couldn’t comprehend how anyone may truly expertise it. Navigating silence, to me, should have been reserved for individuals who had a pondering on/off change hidden behind their ear, and I didn’t obtain that improve in the course of the creation course of.
In 2008, I informed someone that my mind felt just like the New York Metropolis Subway System with trains of thought operating in a gazillion instructions and no method to make the trains cease. I later came upon that particular person believed I ought to in all probability go to a psychologist and psychiatrist to ensure I wasn’t loopy. That felt superior…
Anyway… On the advice of my podcast visitor, I attempted meditation.
To be blunt, my first makes an attempt at meditation pissed me off. I sat at my desk with my arms in my lap and my ft on the ground precisely as the trainer informed me to place myself. As I breathed out and in, my ideas took over. I later discovered I used to be meditating from my head slightly than my coronary heart.
“Kim!” My head shouted. “Take note of me! Don’t you’ve got 10,001+ duties you ought to be engaged on? You’re a rattling idiot to take time to do this nonsense. Get again to work and cease being ridiculous.”
Okay, it could not have been precisely these phrases, however the sentiment was related. I didn’t have any reservations about shaming myself on my quest of navigating silence.
4 months in the past I requested a buddy if they’d any sources for coping with nervousness. Though my divorce was last and I had moved on, occasions had transpired which led me right into a pit of shitty pondering. Whereas my physician had prescribed me an anti-anxiety treatment, I discovered it made me extra anxious as a result of it made me extraordinarily drained and practically unimaginable to work. It’s ironic, isn’t it, that the treatment which was purported to help my journey navigating silence made it even tougher to take action?
My buddy advisable mindfulness and books by Thich Nhat Hanh. Within the months which have handed, I’ve labored my method by way of a couple of of Hanh’s books, in addition to others specializing in the subjects of overthinking, mindfulness and Taoism. Whereas Hanh’s Silence and Benjamin Hoff’sThe Tao of Pooh and The Te of Piglet have been immensely useful, navigating silence continues to be a cumbersome journey.
NOTE: I’m not changing from Christianity, nevertheless I’m in a non secular battle in addition to in a interval of discovering myself as I’ve by no means earlier than, and I search… No, I NEED… To search out peace.
As I work to heal from trauma from my previous, I notice I need to discover a method to suppose protected ideas primarily based on the current second slightly than be bombarded by ideas biased by hurts of the previous. On the similar time, I discover myself struggling to benefit from the current second whereas teetering on a beam of cautiousness.
I’ve discovered that exhaustion, each emotional and bodily, amplifies my fears, insecurities and loneliness. Silence is, at instances, unimaginable to search out late within the day. And, sure, I admit it… Even with 5 children in the home I get lonely.
For 44 years my happiness was primarily based on validation from exterior sources. Now, in working to search out happiness inside and concentrate on the right here and now, I’m challenged. Whereas perilously navigating silence, I’m challenged to NOT choose up my telephone to message others at any time when I believe one thing, an act which I notice seeks to replenish my provide of dopamine (compliments and a focus) and oxytocin (intimacy and bonding). I’ve found that I’ve turn out to be, with none doubt, codependent.
I must think about that my introduction at a gathering of Codependents Nameless would go one thing like this… “Hey, my identify is Kim. I’m 521 days sober however battle to free myself from an habit to dopamine and oxytocin. I search to launch myself from my private want and want for exterior validation.”
I discover myself gamifying silence for and with myself in addition to the place others are involved, however, in full honesty, the gamification of navigating silence typically seems like self-imposed torture.
Once I consider someone or have an concept for them, I’ve the quick urge to achieve out and allow them to know. I really feel as if NOT letting them know is dishonoring my nature as a carer and nurturer, and can also be a disservice to my want to serve and help. On the similar, nevertheless, I’ve come to acknowledge the harm I really feel after I attain out and obtain no response or one which signifies the particular person is simply too busy to speak to me. Sadly, this harm infiltrates my ideas with messages like, “Why ship that? They don’t wish to hear from you. In the event that they did, they’d contact you. You’re pitiful. However, ship your silly message. Seem determined. Maintain chasing. That’s the one method you’re going to get consideration anyway.”
So, I don’t ship the message as a result of I don’t wish to be harm by no response.
Or, I ship the message and pray my ideas can be incorrect.
However…
I wish to really feel snug sending a message whereas releasing the end result.
I wish to not care whether or not or not I obtain a response as a result of I’ll know I honored myself within the course of.
I’m not there but, although, so I discover non permanent reduction within the library of messages I’ve created by not sending them. Sure, it’s a factor. Quite than ship the message, I minimize it from messages and paste it into Notes. Navigating silence, for me, apparently entails tricking my head into pondering I ship messages. Sigh. I don’t suppose real silence is meant to contain trickery.
I’ll proceed engaged on myself till I discover my method to a peaceable silence, one which is assured in being right here, now, and one which by no means, ever, doubts whether or not I’m worthy or sufficient.
I’ll maintain respiration, out and in, permitting the recent air I inhale to launch the toxicity of stinking pondering.
I’ll discover actions, ideally NOT work, to maintain my thoughts occupied.
And I’ll proceed to fill journal pages with my ideas in effort to launch them.
Within the meantime, I’ve an excruciating worry of being…
- used or manipulated
- lied to
- deserted
- invisible
- undesirable
- harm
These fears aren’t restricted to romantic pursuits however sadly develop to EVERYBODY in my life. I don’t want multiple finger to rely how many individuals I really feel completely protected with, and until you’re her, I worry being harm by everybody else. Sure, EVERYONE.
I cry as I write this, however to my family and friends, thanks in your continued help. My latest journey has been something however straightforward, and even with all I’ve shared, I proceed to take care of trauma from particulars not shared. Navigating silence means I additionally want to determine what to open up about, with whom, and when.
I pray that my elevated silence doesn’t imply that I don’t look after or about you, and that you simply perceive I can’t proceed to hunt validation from you. I need to discover validation inside ME.
And I need to discover a method to relate with you in a method by which I don’t always worry being harm.
This worry of being harm is what prevents my silence, and I stay up for the day when that worry is gone. However till then, I need to proceed my seek for silence in addition to my therapeutic journey in order that I by no means hit all-time low once more.
To wrap this up, I wish to share an excerpt of an interview I used to be listening to between Matthew Hussey and Justin Baldoni. Once I heard it, I instantly resonated. I’m very conscious that a lot of my battle for silence comes from my deep, intense worry, of getting my coronary heart performed with once more.
WATCH A BIT OF THE INTERVIEW, BUT READ THE PART I RESONATED WITH BELOW (IT’S NOT IN VIDEO)